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Okay, I seriously am laughing so hard after reading this book. You know, I thought when it was over I'd be mega-pissed, like pissed like a Mega-Shark going after a Giant Octopus pissed, but instead I'm literally ROTFLMAO.
I thought I'd share my thoughts, which I wrote while I was reading, so they may seem kinda hateful and filled with rage at decent characters being destroyed before my eyes, but add three cups of mirthful, head-shaking laughter and that's kinda where I am right now.
Issue #34 Thoughts:
1. If you're going to show spit and jizz flying at Buffy's mouth, red-band the damn book and just show all out tits and ass and penis everywhere. Just fucking have a spine and do it. If Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose can have bloodied haunted vaginas, then so can you. For pity's sake, you can show ass without a red-band. Spike: Asylum basically got away with that even. Still can't show peen without the red-label though, which is just tragic.
ETA: Did this issue seriously get an M rating? For serious? There's not an ass nor a girlie nipple nor a peen in sight! If you want to see a seriously M-rated comic, check out Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #53. All I'm going to say is bloody. haunted. vaginas. I'll say it again- bloody. haunted. vaginas. Okay, I'm done. XD
2. WTF Buffy? Shame on the writers for turning both Buffy and Angel into victims of mojo'd date rape. It's just as bad as the Biley poltergasm episode. Don't turn the hero into a sex battery for the universe, kthxbai.
3. Why is there a Sweeney Todd vampire? Stop with the stupid celebrity cameos. It stopped being funny after Jeanty was too lazy to look up what "Little Women!Christian Bale" looked like.
4. The whole balance argument doesn't hold water. One Slayer versus thousands of vampires, any one of them having a good day could take her out. That is not balance. It's the law of the jungle/survival of the fittest, but it's NOT balance... and it's a stupid plan anyway. :P
5. Soooo... can I blame Hurricane Katrina on Bangel sex? Should Al Gore be notified? Does that mean that Fox News can blame Spuffy sex for healthcare reform? *imagines Spike forcing Glenn Beck to eat a piece of chalk and gets a happy* *imagines Spike and Angel having a fourway with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and gets another happy* :D
6. Slayers are the next step up on the evolutionary ladder? So they're like mutants? And unlike the X-Men, Buffy's already begun to put herself above homosapian law. Great. Buffy's Magneto. Wait, I figured it out- Joss is getting two franchises confused since he wrote for the X-Men series. It all makes perfect since now! Angel has gone Dark Phoenix, Spike is Emma Frost, and Buffy is Scott Summers stuck in the middle. Nice try, Whedon.
7. GILES! Do you not remember that Slayer poison from S3?! Why not just slip it into the damn water cooler before it got this far, you son of a bitch!? ARGH!!1! I do not understand what the point of this is! If there are too many Slayers, why encourage so many to take up the banner and colours?! Just start mass-producing that power-nullifying stuff and hand it out to the women who don't want to be Slayers! They would have made a conscious choice in using their powers, and the universe wouldn't have to worry about an imbalance of power. Although this does lend credence to my theory that the real Giles has been dead a long time, and this is crazy pod!Giles. He ain't been right in quite a while.
7. Since Spike is uncharacteristically wearing green in both the panels that feature him, which he usually only does in altruistic moments, does that mean that Spike represents the Earth? Like, does Eco-Boy have to save Buffy from herself before she and the mutie Slayers and psycho Bangel sex destroy the world?
8. Buffy's going to wind up pregnant. Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus, I'm going to actually have to make a poster about Unwed Pregnant Slayers, aren't I? Buffy is the Bristol Palin of Unwed Pregnant Slayers.
9. What the hell did I just read?!
I literally have no idea what I just read. I think someone threw BtVS, X-Men, an Al Gore documentary, 2012, the Joy of Sex, and a teen pregnancy pamphlet into a big blender and hit puree. This is your fur-pie, Joss; eat it! With Cool WHip. I put a lot of emphasis on the H just for you.
As I've said many times, I'm not a shipper. I could give a squatter's piss about who Buffy winds up with, though I'd really prefer if this "icon of feminism" didn't constantly need to be defined by the man she's fucking... I'd also like Spike and Angel to live together in contented, monster-fightin', crime-solvin' urban bliss while Connor finishes up his B.A. in English... or Journalism. The idea of Bangel sex doesn't bother me in the slightest, but what does bother me is the fact that apparently "the universe" prevented Buffy from using common sense and just staking him on sight. I don't care if Spike was Twilight I would have staked his sneaky, backstabbing ass... and then his heart! Angel killed 205 of her Slayers! He's responsible for what's happened even if "the universe" is convincing him he did the right thing or that it would have happened anyway and would have been worse if he hadn't stepped in. "The universe" is allowing Buffy to play the fool, to accept what he says at face-value, to go under the effects of the glowy yellow Zydrate and literally fuck the world.
34 issues, 34 months, and literally nothing makes sense. From why Buffy had to rob banks and have a castle and helicopters in the first place to Xander and Dracula being bestest buds to anything to do with Dawn (how can you tell if someone is a thricewise? and why did the Japanese vampires make an annoying MechaDawn?) to Andrew consistently being mentally deficient yet still being in charge of a group of young women and teenagers to Giles still never learning he should just tell Buffy everything he knows when something bad is happening because it always royally fucks things up so much worse when he doesn't tell her to the whole "Twilight is tracking our magic! Instead of walking somewhere, let's take a big giant sub magically to Tibet so that instead of tracking one blip, he gets a big giant sub-shaped bloop" to Angel being Twilight to this issue. Has everyone lost their damn minds?! This isn't a writer being subversive about shipping! This isn't good storytelling! This is pure and unadulterated batshittery! (THIS. IS. SPARTA!)
That last bit? The bit about Sparta? That's why I'm ROTFLMAO because I started imaging King Leonidas's head on Angel's body why he and Buffy were screwing. Heehee! Seriously, picture it in your head and try not to laugh. XD I'm also laughing because Angel can apparently shoot little balls of vampgasm in the air about two or three feet to land on Buffy's lips. Don't tell me that was supposed to be spit. It was jizz... magical pregnancy-inducing jizz. I fear for the penguin fetus now lodged in Buffy's womb.
I thought I'd share my thoughts, which I wrote while I was reading, so they may seem kinda hateful and filled with rage at decent characters being destroyed before my eyes, but add three cups of mirthful, head-shaking laughter and that's kinda where I am right now.
Issue #34 Thoughts:
1. If you're going to show spit and jizz flying at Buffy's mouth, red-band the damn book and just show all out tits and ass and penis everywhere. Just fucking have a spine and do it. If Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose can have bloodied haunted vaginas, then so can you. For pity's sake, you can show ass without a red-band. Spike: Asylum basically got away with that even. Still can't show peen without the red-label though, which is just tragic.
ETA: Did this issue seriously get an M rating? For serious? There's not an ass nor a girlie nipple nor a peen in sight! If you want to see a seriously M-rated comic, check out Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #53. All I'm going to say is bloody. haunted. vaginas. I'll say it again- bloody. haunted. vaginas. Okay, I'm done. XD
2. WTF Buffy? Shame on the writers for turning both Buffy and Angel into victims of mojo'd date rape. It's just as bad as the Biley poltergasm episode. Don't turn the hero into a sex battery for the universe, kthxbai.
3. Why is there a Sweeney Todd vampire? Stop with the stupid celebrity cameos. It stopped being funny after Jeanty was too lazy to look up what "Little Women!Christian Bale" looked like.
4. The whole balance argument doesn't hold water. One Slayer versus thousands of vampires, any one of them having a good day could take her out. That is not balance. It's the law of the jungle/survival of the fittest, but it's NOT balance... and it's a stupid plan anyway. :P
5. Soooo... can I blame Hurricane Katrina on Bangel sex? Should Al Gore be notified? Does that mean that Fox News can blame Spuffy sex for healthcare reform? *imagines Spike forcing Glenn Beck to eat a piece of chalk and gets a happy* *imagines Spike and Angel having a fourway with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert and gets another happy* :D
6. Slayers are the next step up on the evolutionary ladder? So they're like mutants? And unlike the X-Men, Buffy's already begun to put herself above homosapian law. Great. Buffy's Magneto. Wait, I figured it out- Joss is getting two franchises confused since he wrote for the X-Men series. It all makes perfect since now! Angel has gone Dark Phoenix, Spike is Emma Frost, and Buffy is Scott Summers stuck in the middle. Nice try, Whedon.
7. GILES! Do you not remember that Slayer poison from S3?! Why not just slip it into the damn water cooler before it got this far, you son of a bitch!? ARGH!!1! I do not understand what the point of this is! If there are too many Slayers, why encourage so many to take up the banner and colours?! Just start mass-producing that power-nullifying stuff and hand it out to the women who don't want to be Slayers! They would have made a conscious choice in using their powers, and the universe wouldn't have to worry about an imbalance of power. Although this does lend credence to my theory that the real Giles has been dead a long time, and this is crazy pod!Giles. He ain't been right in quite a while.
7. Since Spike is uncharacteristically wearing green in both the panels that feature him, which he usually only does in altruistic moments, does that mean that Spike represents the Earth? Like, does Eco-Boy have to save Buffy from herself before she and the mutie Slayers and psycho Bangel sex destroy the world?
8. Buffy's going to wind up pregnant. Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus, I'm going to actually have to make a poster about Unwed Pregnant Slayers, aren't I? Buffy is the Bristol Palin of Unwed Pregnant Slayers.
9. What the hell did I just read?!
I literally have no idea what I just read. I think someone threw BtVS, X-Men, an Al Gore documentary, 2012, the Joy of Sex, and a teen pregnancy pamphlet into a big blender and hit puree. This is your fur-pie, Joss; eat it! With Cool WHip. I put a lot of emphasis on the H just for you.
As I've said many times, I'm not a shipper. I could give a squatter's piss about who Buffy winds up with, though I'd really prefer if this "icon of feminism" didn't constantly need to be defined by the man she's fucking... I'd also like Spike and Angel to live together in contented, monster-fightin', crime-solvin' urban bliss while Connor finishes up his B.A. in English... or Journalism. The idea of Bangel sex doesn't bother me in the slightest, but what does bother me is the fact that apparently "the universe" prevented Buffy from using common sense and just staking him on sight. I don't care if Spike was Twilight I would have staked his sneaky, backstabbing ass... and then his heart! Angel killed 205 of her Slayers! He's responsible for what's happened even if "the universe" is convincing him he did the right thing or that it would have happened anyway and would have been worse if he hadn't stepped in. "The universe" is allowing Buffy to play the fool, to accept what he says at face-value, to go under the effects of the glowy yellow Zydrate and literally fuck the world.
34 issues, 34 months, and literally nothing makes sense. From why Buffy had to rob banks and have a castle and helicopters in the first place to Xander and Dracula being bestest buds to anything to do with Dawn (how can you tell if someone is a thricewise? and why did the Japanese vampires make an annoying MechaDawn?) to Andrew consistently being mentally deficient yet still being in charge of a group of young women and teenagers to Giles still never learning he should just tell Buffy everything he knows when something bad is happening because it always royally fucks things up so much worse when he doesn't tell her to the whole "Twilight is tracking our magic! Instead of walking somewhere, let's take a big giant sub magically to Tibet so that instead of tracking one blip, he gets a big giant sub-shaped bloop" to Angel being Twilight to this issue. Has everyone lost their damn minds?! This isn't a writer being subversive about shipping! This isn't good storytelling! This is pure and unadulterated batshittery! (THIS. IS. SPARTA!)
That last bit? The bit about Sparta? That's why I'm ROTFLMAO because I started imaging King Leonidas's head on Angel's body why he and Buffy were screwing. Heehee! Seriously, picture it in your head and try not to laugh. XD I'm also laughing because Angel can apparently shoot little balls of vampgasm in the air about two or three feet to land on Buffy's lips. Don't tell me that was supposed to be spit. It was jizz... magical pregnancy-inducing jizz. I fear for the penguin fetus now lodged in Buffy's womb.
