fenderlove | Review: Spike: TDYK #1 and #2

I am sad to say that Spike: The Devil You Know is just awful. Like, it'd almost be different if it was one of those "Wow, this is so terrible that it's hilarious," but it's just bad. Plain old bad. Bad characterization, bad original characters, bad plot-line. Basically, take everything that brings you joy in a Brian Lynch comic, turn it 180 degrees towards EPIC FAIL, and you get Bill Williams's Spike: the Devil You Know.

Warning: This may contain spoilers for the main Angel series, and it also has strong language, sarcasm, and ranting.

Spike: the Devil You Know, Issue #1.

Synopsis

We begin this tale with Spike being drunk and horny. Yeah... The sinking feeling you get reading that statement? Get used to it. Not only does Spike wear a shirt straight outta Hot Topic, but slap a tramp stamp above his ass and he'll be the male version of a very tired cliche.

Spike is being dragged around by Andrea, who is taking him to her car to have sex. He gets in some ass-slapping and lays into a little bit of womanizing that fits more with Angelus's character than Spike's. He says he feels strange lately. Andrea notices that he's wearing a coin pendant and asks him about it. She uses a quick French-kiss as a distraction to steal it for "Tansy Fry," who Spike didn't know was still alive. He is ambushed by a bunch of vampire thugs who have poor grammar. He doesn't do a good job of getting information out of the for-hires, but thankfully Andrea conveniently left her purse on the ground with all its contents spilled out so Spike will surely see an invitation to a meeting with Tansy Fry.

In a flashback (apparently during a time when Angelus and Spike had come across some Regency Era clothes because Chris Cross couldn't be buggered to look up what Victorian clothing looked like), Angelus and Spike are in a lovely palace which apparently belongs to the Master... even though the Master preferred to stay underground... Anyways, the Master is rotating his favourite sex partners, and Tansy Fry is out and Darla is back in. Tansy apparently goes for the over-kill, which is very naughty, much like her Medieval Revival dress and baby sunhat.

The next day, Spike acts like the stereotype of a 14 year old skater boy, leaping down the stairs and sliding across the Hyperion's floor 'cause it's just so badass. Illyria is reading a book about birds, having remembered a piece of Fred's childhood involving a bird. The God-King is curious as to why this memory stays with her. Spike nonchalantly states that it's guilt because Illyria killed Fred, and then he stalks off into the night to confront Tansy Fry.

Tansy Fry is speaking to Andrea, aka the lady who stole Spike's necklace thingie earlier, over the phone. Tansy and her minions are planning to open the Hellmouth though she worries that Spike will interfere since he's "gone to the other side." Andrea is less worried since she's got some beefy vampire men to act as security.

Spike sneaks up to the mansion that was listed on the invitation, mentioning to himself that he would like to see Tansy again mostly because she had an enormous rack. He finds an unlocked door and because he has an invitation in-hand he can just walk in. Andrea is having a meeting with Lucius Malfoy and Dwight from the Office. The plan is somewhat revealed- Tansy wants to reform the Order of Aurelius (I guess because its most violent and illustrious members are either insane, dead, or on the side of good so there's probably a lack of leadership in the upper echelons), and it's Andrea's job to recruit vampires with the right pedigree to their cause... like Lucius Malfoy... I mean, Terrence, who looks like he could be Spike's father. Terrence is a member of the Order of Aurelius through Tansy's bloodline, but a distant one. He's going to be protecting the Los Angeles territory while Tansy unleashes a new type of Hellmouth she "developed" because, as well all know, unnatural mystical phenomenon are just cooked up in an Easy Bake oven. Tansy's Hellmouth is just a little bit "special" since it can't attract any Slayer activity because it's just big enough to let demons pass through but not big enough to detect.

Andrea and Dwight present Terrence with a contract for a share of the Hellmouth. They say that they have other members of the Order in Phoenix and Seattle working on more Mini-Hellmouths. Apparently, the only thing that would have stopped this was a mystical coin, which turned out to be the charm Spike had around his neck earlier in the issue. Of course that's what it did. *insert eyeroll here*

Spike just storms into the meeting, wanting his coin back, and Andrea offers him a share in their plan. He jabbers on, reiterating he wants his coin back and that he closes Hellmouths and... he literally thumps his chest with a fist the twice the size of his head like a great big Neanderthal blathering on about his prowess as a hero. Andrea says that she was afraid Spike would come after them after she misplaced the invitation (buzhuh? seriously, Spike fell off the parking garage, was gone for fifteen minutes, and you didn't just pick your damn purse off the ground so that the guy who might interfere with your plans wouldn't find a scrap of paper with your exact address on it?).

Spike kills Terrence, but before the other bouncers can attack, Eddie Hope enters and shoots Dwight from the Office. Apparently Eddie has some sort of list that I care nothing about because I gave up reading Williams's little wankfest OC-paloosa filler pages in the Angel line after the first one. Spike gets cranky because he feels ignored when Eddie walks in. "Just like with Angel!" Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

Andrea sneaks off while Spike and Eddie fight her brute squad. Eddie's attack style is apparently blindly shooting a gun that seemingly has endless bullets since he never reloads. He calls Spike the "number two hero" and Spike gets a broken wrist while being pummeled into a bookcase while the bad guys shout catchphrases hoping one takes. Eddie leaves Spike to fend for himself, playing casually with Dwight's Blackberry. Spike has a kind thought about Xander at least being man enough to protect people in the same fight as him.

Eddie waits to the last second to help, making sure to make himself seem like such a benevolent guy. Spike says something is "strange" about Eddie's smell. Well, the guy does look like he'd smell like the whole Jersey Shore plus a boatload of Axe Bodyspray. Spike's Super-Sniffer (TM) must be on the fritz 'cause he can't seem to tell that Eddie's part demon. Anyways, they both walk off together to stop Tansy from opening her Mini-Hellmouths.

Review

The fact that Spike begins the issue being the stereotypical Freshman sorority girl who gets dragged off to be violated that you hear about during Orientation Week at college is just sickening. The fact that he's not ever been shown to grope women or pinch their behinds apparently is something that Bill Williams failed to notice while he was confusing Spike for Angelus. Actually, Angelus had a little more class than to behave that way publicly. This is out of Liam's playbook. Even unchipped, unsouled, evil Spike didn't do this crap. Unchipped, unsouled evil Spike catered to Drusilla's every whim, chided himself harshly for even slightly raising his voice to her; he didn't slap her around and talk like a crude American frat boy to her. Spike promised Wesley that he was going help take care of Illyria at the end of ATF, and even though he's been really hurt, you'd think that he'd be interested at least slightly (even reluctantly) that she was having memories of Fred's childhood. I do expect Spike to hold some anger towards Gunn and Illyria, but the coldness that Willingham and Williams insist on giving him is uncalled for when compared to the compassion that he can show and has shown. This isn't the Spike who left flowers for Joyce with no expectation of any kudos or acknowledgement. This is Pod!Spike.

On the whole, Spike is pretty OOC in this. He says he's feeling weird, and I only have a resounding d'uh in response. I can only imagine that this is because of Willingham's little "SURPRISE! Spike is acting horrible for a REASON!" plot twist in the main Angel plot, but then again, that'd be giving Williams credit for actually being able to craft somewhat coherent characterization. Oh, and Spike likes Felix Dennis. Does Williams want a cookie for that?

I know we're only two issues into this, but right off the bat I do not buy the whole "Spike's wearing a charm he found/stole!" thing. What happened to the "no bracelets, beads, pendants or rings" philosophy, especially if said bauble might have magical mystical properties, like, oh, opening and closing A PORTAL TO HELL!? Also, after two issues, it needs to be clarified whether Spike knows what the hell the coin is. He's running around "I want my lucky charm! Gimme gimme gimme!" like a fucking five-year-old on crack, but he doesn't appear to even make the connection of what it does or acknowledge why he had to have it in the first place. Yes, we know Spike steals, but he normally just steals normal things like video games or Angel's cars, not tokens that can open and close PORTALS TO HELL. No one wants that around their neck. I'm also musing why Tansy and Andrea needed the coin for some reason. If all it did was close Hellmouths and if Spike didn't full understand its significance ('cause if he did, I just don't think he'd wear it around his neck and let strange women fondle it, but then again Williams seems to think that Spike has the IQ of a peach pit, so who knows), why not just open the Hellmouths without making him aware of any type of coup is going on? I mean, if they had just left him alone, he would have never found their mansion, never heard the whole Arch-Villain speechifying and careful laying out of the whole plan, etc. I just have to assume they need the coin for another reason. Also, I always thought that it'd be Angel running around screaming that they had to give him back his Lucky Charms, not Spike.

One of the hardest things about writing Spike is his use of slang. He uses certain British and miscellaneous slang terms, some more than others. Bloody, shagging, sodding, knickers, ruddy (I think), bollocks, bint, love, ducks, pet, starkers (although it does not mean to him what it means to the rest of us) etc. etc. etc, and everybody's favourite - bugaboo, which became like his catchphrase in S5 of Angel. Most of these terms sound pretty natural when uttered from the mouth of the Marsters or when written on the page by capable writers, but Williams is pushing it with me. I understand that "dry slap" is like urban Brit-slang, but I just don't see Spike saying it. Also, "scanties?" Really? Just say knickers or frillies or panties or skivvies or something. Not scanties. That sounds like an STD. And "gang-fangers!" Sweet merciful Christ, gang-fangers! Lord almighty, just pay off True Blood and use fang-bangers; at least it has a little more dignity in it.

And to the heart of the plot, Tansy's Hellmouth. OMG. It's a portal to hell. Literally "the mouth of hell." Once that bitch is open, you can't control it. Sweet Moses, this plot could part the Red Sea with FAIL. I just don't see how a busty vampire and a few of her featured creatures are really going to be able to keep a handle on what comes out and what goes in. Maybe I'm underestimating her because her level of boobitude, but she doesn't seem to be the sharpest fang in the maw, if you catch my meaning. Every time the Hellmouth is opened before, it's like epic badness has frothed forth like the evil foam of an evil beer from an evil keg. I don't see Peroxide McJiggleTits really holding this together though according to Spike Angelus really admired her. But I don't think it was admiration that Angelus wanted to do... I think he just wanted to nakadashi on her breasticles.

Eddie Hope is just the most annoying Gary Stu on the planet. I half-expected him to be a taco show after a few lines. He looks like a pool boy from the Real House Wives of New Jersey. He's all, "I keep my calm, collected demeanor which makes me so badass. I'm more badass than Angel or Gunn or Spike. I totally deserve my own series. I even rescue people when they don't deserve it... like Spike... even though we just met... and I know that he's a hero, and I admit that, but I still want to stake him and get my own comic book." I think that Brian Lynch's Tok, Beck, Betta George, Biv, Marv, Anna, Dr. Thibault, Cordie Dragon, and Jeremy have spoiled me to OCs; they're all so right. He's only had one tragic mis-step. Hey, there's an idea! Let's take Williams's Eddie and Lynch's Spider and lock them away where no one can ever find them. That'd be sweeeeeeet.

A buddy cop scenario should be where you like both the rogue cop and the stalwart cop equally, like Ghandi and George Washington Carver's epic "Black and Tan" from Clone High. It's not where the asshole cop and the mean bastard cop try to out snark one another until the audience just wishes they'd both die. Worst. set up. ever.

The only not-annoying thing presented in the story is that the the demons recognize that people with souls are just as likely to commit terrible deeds as demons. Thank you for saying what everyone besides Joss Whedon already knew.

Onto the art, what's with all the vampires being dressed as "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up!" models- there's vampire businessman, vampire nurse, and vampire chef! Where is vampire cowboy and vampire ballerina? Draw them in normal clothes for pity's sake!

All Andrea is good for is tucking her hair behind her ears every two panels. Women do other gestures besides hair-tucking and talking on the phone, Mr. Cross.

The best thing about this issue? Franco Urru's cover. Eddie Hope's is a big blue Count Crotchula, the bulging demon in leather pants. And that's pretty pathetic that the only redeeming feature about Mr. Williams's OC is that he has a big penis when Franco draws him. Marc Deering does the best he can with Chris Cross's pencils, but between the oddly elastic drawing style and the heavy, over-shadowed colouring, everyone's flesh looks like it was sculpted out of Play-Doh. The blurred overlays are just confusing and seem like lazy layout work. Also, Chris Cross needs some reference books for costuming. Seriously. Edwardian clothes are not the same as Victorian clothes. If you took the time to watch Destiny to look at how the boys' hair looked, you should have taken a moment to notice that ascots and skin-tight breeches were out of fashion.

Spike: the Devil You Know, Issue #2.

Synopsis

At "Tansy Fry's Secret Hideout: No Boyz Allowed," Tansy has a demon friend opening up the Hellmouth or preparing the ritual or something else ridiculous.

Meanwhile, outside a non-descript big scary warehouse, Spike has somehow acquired a classic red Austin Healey convertible. I suppose he deserves something for having to put up with this shit characterization.

Spike uses his manly super strength to open a door and generally shoves his ass in Eddie's face (or that's how it looks in the drawing). Eddie has to claim the building to be his to invite Spike inside even though it's obvious that someone has been using the building and I really don't think that's how the invites work because Spike has always been able to walk into generally public places without invites, like factories overrun with vampires... like this one... just like he did in his first appearance in the whole Whedonverse. I feel a Giles-like sigh coming on.

Spike eventually falls into the door, and he and Eddie discover that the factory is decked out like the blood-bottling plant the Master had in the Wish in Season Three of BtVS. Andrea springs her trap, revealing that she was the one who invited Spike inside. Spike and Eddie banter about each other's smells (Eddie smells like an old refrigerator, and Spike smells like Old Spice and roadkill). Pointless fighting is soon followed by pointless explosions, and long story short- Spike and Eddie get away as does Andrea. Also, Eddie rips the seat out of his pants every time he goes into his demon form because of his huge tail. Spike makes him put on new pants before he gets in his car... but he spends a long while staring at Eddie's ass... and his bulging rippliness as he removes his shirt... which really wasn't necessary or as important as getting new pants. I'm sure Mr. Williams feels like he's writing this crap "for the laydeez."

The portal thingie Tansy's been working on opens and a giant disco diva demon with an afro the size of Texas comes out with a little demon minion on a leash. Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Review

Like, nothing happened in this issue besides pointless running about, pointless shirtlessness, and pointless jokes about body odor and naked asses. If the plan was to get Spike into the warehouse, why not just invite him in as soon as Andrea spotted him? I could understand if maybe the plan was to let Eddie get far enough away from Spike and then separate the two of them for a super-sneaky-double-team-attack where they wouldn't be able to help one another, but Spike goes right to Eddie once he's invited in. It was a complete waste of panels and pages for that. FOR NOTHING! All that build up for the "classic" lines of "Thanks for inviting me in!" "Wait, I didn't invite you in! It must be- OH NO! P-p-p-pirate ghosts!" *head-desk*

Let's see, in two issues, Williams has managed to let us know that he remembers who the Master is, remembers the Order of Aurelius and the vampire familial lines, has seen the Wish and/or Doppelgangland, and mentioned Xander. I think Williams wants us to believe that he's actually seen the show. My message to him would be that he could say that he's seen every episode twelve billion times and it would just make his characterizations that much worse. So far, Spike has had the Beer Bad beer rendering him incapable of emotion outside of "Me liek boobies *grunt* I smash things good!", Eddie Hope is bland in his Fast-n-Furiousness, Andrea is stupid as hell, and Tansy Fry is incompetent at most and boring at best. Out of two issues, Illyria has come out the most in character. Weirdness. Also, Spike would never wear Old Spice! Unless he was on a horse! And the horse is now diamonds!

Artwise, this issue didn't get better. Spike apparently had his DNA spliced with PlasticMan or Mr. Fantastic because all of his facial expression have a Jim Carrey level of elasticity. The shading is so heavy in the drawings that the colours just needed to be flat or cell-shaded, not this smudge-tooled monstrosity that's been burnished to death.

Again, the best thing about this issue was Franco's cover.

Is it October yet?

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Location: The Den.