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My great grandmother died yesterday.... It makes me sad, but I'm also happy that she's no longer in pain. For the past six months, she's been "living", if you could call it that, in hell. God, she's literally wasted away to nothing; looking at her was like looking at a Holocaust victim, just skin and bones, like a walking skeleton. Looking at her made you hurt. Her daughters treated her like a burden, makes me sick. That whole side of my family has been waiting for her to die for years because she's rich. I'm going to the visitation today, and I feel like the most horrible person in the world. My dad called to tell me the time and it's at 4. All I could think about was going to the Harry Potter premiere tonight. It's not until 7, but everyone was coming over at 5. I'm gonna call them and tell them to come over later than that. I feel like shit for even trying to schedule this, but I don't want my friends missing out on fun because of me.
When I heard that she was dead, it wasn't a big thing. I wasn't surprised because of her health situation. It's not like what you see in the movies; I didn't scream or rant or have a big monologue or anything. I just felt numb all over. I remember this feeling when Andy, a friend from high school, died my Junior year. He was supposed to graduate that year. It's like my whole world bottomed out and I was being swallowed up. That's the only way I can describe it. I may have seemed over-dramatic, when I heard the news but I truly was in shock. I fell down on my stairs and just cried. That's all I could do. I cried for hours. I couldn't even go to the funeral; I was just too damaged. Looking back, I wish I had dragged myself to it because I had other friends that needed me to be there for them and I wasn't. It's something I'll always regret and a mistake that I will never make again.
It's like your whole body goes numb when the shock wears off and you can't do anything. You don't want to move or talk. You just want something to make you feel again. Unfortunately, the feelings you usually get are pain and saddness, but you're just so relieved to feel anything again that you cry. You cry for the dead, and you cry for yourself.
When I started to cry over my great-grandmother was when my grandmother told me that I would have to go to the reading of her will because she had left me her collection of porcelain Snow Babies. I had given her those Snow Babies every Christmas since I was born, and my grandmother said that my great-grandmother had always wanted me to have them back when she passed on. That's when I cried. It just really hits home when someone tells you something like that. It makes it final. And here are all these people who are glad that such a wonderful person is dead just because they want her money. They'll sit through the visitation, and they'll sit through the funeral, but I know what they all want. They're waiting to sit through the reading of the will. God, it makes me want to vomit. I can't believe these people are my family. It's so wrong. My great-grandmother was the sweetest and most caring person I've ever known in my entire existance. She would have helped anyone. I just don't understand why she's dead. I know she was ready to go, but I wasn't. I don't understand why she can't be here. She was so sick that she didn't get to go to my graduation. It makes me think of what's going to happen when my maternal grandmother dies. I always think of what's going to happen. I think, "What if she dies before I get married? What if she never gets to see my children?" and it haunts me. I just can't deal. Someone dies, and we grieve, and we move on. It all seems so casual that I just can't stand it. I know that I cry all the time. I cry at movies, music, TV, everything. I cry watching Court TV. I'm so sensitive that I wonder how I'm going to make it in this world. It's so harsh and cold and violent, makes me want to find some place to be that's not here, curl up in a ball, and stay there.
When I heard that she was dead, it wasn't a big thing. I wasn't surprised because of her health situation. It's not like what you see in the movies; I didn't scream or rant or have a big monologue or anything. I just felt numb all over. I remember this feeling when Andy, a friend from high school, died my Junior year. He was supposed to graduate that year. It's like my whole world bottomed out and I was being swallowed up. That's the only way I can describe it. I may have seemed over-dramatic, when I heard the news but I truly was in shock. I fell down on my stairs and just cried. That's all I could do. I cried for hours. I couldn't even go to the funeral; I was just too damaged. Looking back, I wish I had dragged myself to it because I had other friends that needed me to be there for them and I wasn't. It's something I'll always regret and a mistake that I will never make again.
It's like your whole body goes numb when the shock wears off and you can't do anything. You don't want to move or talk. You just want something to make you feel again. Unfortunately, the feelings you usually get are pain and saddness, but you're just so relieved to feel anything again that you cry. You cry for the dead, and you cry for yourself.
When I started to cry over my great-grandmother was when my grandmother told me that I would have to go to the reading of her will because she had left me her collection of porcelain Snow Babies. I had given her those Snow Babies every Christmas since I was born, and my grandmother said that my great-grandmother had always wanted me to have them back when she passed on. That's when I cried. It just really hits home when someone tells you something like that. It makes it final. And here are all these people who are glad that such a wonderful person is dead just because they want her money. They'll sit through the visitation, and they'll sit through the funeral, but I know what they all want. They're waiting to sit through the reading of the will. God, it makes me want to vomit. I can't believe these people are my family. It's so wrong. My great-grandmother was the sweetest and most caring person I've ever known in my entire existance. She would have helped anyone. I just don't understand why she's dead. I know she was ready to go, but I wasn't. I don't understand why she can't be here. She was so sick that she didn't get to go to my graduation. It makes me think of what's going to happen when my maternal grandmother dies. I always think of what's going to happen. I think, "What if she dies before I get married? What if she never gets to see my children?" and it haunts me. I just can't deal. Someone dies, and we grieve, and we move on. It all seems so casual that I just can't stand it. I know that I cry all the time. I cry at movies, music, TV, everything. I cry watching Court TV. I'm so sensitive that I wonder how I'm going to make it in this world. It's so harsh and cold and violent, makes me want to find some place to be that's not here, curl up in a ball, and stay there.
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From:
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I just wish I could comfort you.
It´s always too hard to lose a beloved one.
I´m there for you.
Hugs
Sekhmet
From:
no subject
Here's a big hug from me to you. I'm glad your great-grandmother was there, being an example of a wonderful person for you to follow.
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